The Oldest Person In The World Died Because, Well, What Else Was She Suppose To Do?

Being the oldest person in the world must fucking suck. I mean the title alone sucks, “world’s oldest person” who wants to be known as that? Being old isn’t an achievement, it’s a goddamn curse. You need other people to wipe your ass and bathe you, I don’t know about you but that sounds way worse then dying. Why else do you think we’ve immortalized a bunch of people who OD’d at 27. This poor lady has probably been waiting 17 years to die, getting to 100 is cool I suppose, but after that, what’s left? Nothing, that’s what, just people counting down your days so they can find out what you left them in your will.

To make matters worse, the whole world now sees your obituary. Do you wanna know how people make it to “oldest person in the world” status, it’s by being boring as hell. Now every newspaper in the wold has a story about this lady and all her boring and mundane achievements. This is why whoever is the new oldest person in the world needs to do something crazy. I’m not one to advocate violence on the elderly but whoever is the new oldest person in the world needs to take out their nearest competitor. Let’s make this title mean something more then just being a participation trophy for not figuring out how to die.

P.S. The fact that we don’t have a yearly Q&A with the worlds oldest person on the years biggest topics is a crime against humanity. You can’t tell me those would be some of the hottest takes ever recorded.

P.P.S. Pretty crazy that in this lady’s lifetime we went from not having planes to a plane company losing a billion dollars in a day because they dragged someone out of their seat. Absolutely wild.

P.P.P.S. I think Death is losing is fast ball? Talk to me when the guy starts taking out people under 100.

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