It’s no secret that Gary Bettman and Roger Goodell are two of the most hated men in North America. On one hand you have a guy trying to move hockey as far from the Canadian border as possible and on the other, you have a guy who has an undying erection for commercial breaks. But this weekend Roger Goodell showed exactly why he’s the master and Squidward Tentacles should take note.
To begin, the NFL draft took place in Philadelphia, a city that’s most famous for throwing snowballs at Santa Claus and looking after a bell that represents teenage angst better then freedom. Rodger knew he was in for a booing and not just any booing, we’re talking BOOING. So being the genius he is Rodger came up with a most devious of plans. In the first round Goodell had the sense to surround himself with sick children.
Philly might have the capacity to throw snowballs at Santa but even they can’t heckle a kid with cancer.
This is what makes Rodger a genius, he’s introducing a team that’s as famous for having murderers and wife-beaters as it is Super Bowls, so what do you do? Bring a terminally ill kid out and everyone forgets about a certain Atlantic City elevator video. Now, there will be some naysayers out there who said this was more of a Ravens move then Goodell move but those people are idiots. Rodger Goodell runs the NFL with an iron fist. You think he’s going to allow just any sick kid to come out? Hell no. You think he’s gonna risk the chance of having a kid die on stage, he’ll leave the death wishes for sunday. Goodell scouted out the perfect sick kid candidate and BOOM, there go the boos and in come the tears. Rodger Goodell is playing emotional chess while the rest of the world is playing checkers.
Then, to not be outdone in the 2nd round, what does Rodg go ahead and do? He brings out the MOTHERFLIPPING Troops!
If there’s a list of people that are un-booable to the city of Philadelphia its,
- The Troops
- Terminally Ill Kids
Everyone else though is fair game. Sure maybe the elitist city of New York could boo the troops but not Philly. Rocky saw too many friends die in Vietnam to boo the Troops and Rodge knew this. Once again flexing his intellectual prowess.
And then to close out the weekend Goodell had to do one last headline grab by once again stating that he thinks weed is bad and I for one could not applaud Rodg more. The science is still out there when it comes to weed. NFL players might think they can convince the public weed is cool but not Rodger. Let’s look at some facts. Players say that they believe weed is a better painkiller then percocet, if that were the case, why does my mom’s doctor blindly refill her percocet prescription yet my doctors (and father) get worried when they find out I smoke weed. Not to mention if anything weed would make a players concussion worse. Ex NFLers are always complaining about walking into a room and not remembering why they entered it, do you know who else has this problem? Stoners.
Then you have the criminal aspect of it. Do you know who smoked Marijuana? Aaron Hernandez. And I think we all remember how that turned out. Death, by auto-erotic asphyxiation in a Massachusetts State Penitentiary. Goodell has done all he possibly could in his time as NFL commissioner to eliminate it’s criminal element and letting his players smoke up whenever they please would do just the opposite. Plus, how am I suppose to explain to my son that NFL players are committing a federal crime as I enjoy my 10th budlight commercial in-between possessions. All in all, it sends the wrong message IMO. Meanwhile Bettman has remained completely silent on the issue of Marijuana, which is why I assume players like Jarrett Stoll & Mike Richards keep getting arrested with pockets full of nose clams. So once again I applaud Mr. Goodell, while leaders like Justin Trudeau are trying there best to legalize weed, Goodell continues to maintain an iron fist over the NFL and it’s drug policies.
My one worry is that Goodell might be focusing to much time on player conduct and this is why I think he needs to bring in someone to monitor these types of situations, “but OnePercent” who could we possibly trust to hold such a high position? The answer, Timothy Richard Tebow III. Tebow and Goodell’s view on the world are practically the same, while one believes he’s actually some sort of un-killable deity, the other may actually be the son of God. People forget that when Aaron Hernandez played with Timothy Richard Tebow at Florida he committed exactly 0 murders, not too bad if you ask me. And just for good measure, it’s worth of note that while Riley Cooper played for the Gators with Tebow, never once did he say the N-word, those are just facts. Tebow would run the NFL in a biblical fashion. A pass is between a QB and a WR not a RB and whoever he deems worthy of the ball (that is if he doesn’t just call his own number) like Tony Sparano would have you believe.
So to reiterate, if Gary Bettman doesn’t want to avoid being boo’d as ferociously this year, he needs to bring out a terminally ill child and then the troops. And if he can find the time, maybe tell that hippy on Parliament Hill to slow his literal role before the NHL falls into anarchy.
Also, if you were able to follow along with this hat tip to you.