Holy Fuck, America Did What? Part 1

I’m thinking of just turning this into a goddamn series because it’s stupid to try and write a million blogs about our neighbours to the south and all the fucked up shenanigans they’ve been getting into. I don’t know if this will be like my half baked series that saw one entry but giving the current administrations flair for pageantry, I assume this thing will have some legs. So without further adieu, your first ever ‘Holy Fuck, America Did What?’.

First on the docket, we got the Donald supposedly fabricating a civil war battle that took place on his golf course.

tgf

Now a lot of people have been quick to mock the President for pulling a Dwight Schrute but those people are just historians and what do they know? It’s not Trumps’ fault that he believes a great battle took place on his golf course. And exactly how great was this battle? Well let me just tell you, for one it was so great and bloody, that it was deemed the “River of Blood”. The River of Blood was such a great battle that historians have been unable to quantify the number of casualties that took place. That’s what I think helps Trump here. It’s his word vs a bunch of historians AKA nerds. Trump eats nerds for breakfast, looking at you Jeb. Funny that people say The Donald doesn’t care about the environment, yet it clearly states that it is his “honor” to preserve this piece of the Potomac. If you ask me I’m starting think The Donald cares TOO much about the environment, if the Potomac is so great why isn’t it mentioned in the same breath as the Mississippi or the Missouri? Yet here’s Donald Trump preserving the Pluto of Rivers, I would say it was commendable if it seem almost to green. The only part of the environment I want Trump to care about is the course at Mar A Lago. Can’t have foreign dignitaries coming to some shoddy golf course. China might make the majority of America’s stuff but they’ve yet to develop the elitism and thinly veiled racism that comes with playing golf. Trump 1 China 0

Next on the docket we got the Spiceman  playing linguistic jujitsu with the press on the topic of Trump’s Great border Wall.

spiceman Before I start talking about the wall, I have to make a confession. I think I love Sean Spicer, the man is a goddamn inspiration. This man is less qualified to be press secretary then I am. First, he majored in government, whatever the fuck that means, I at least majored in communications. Then, he went to Connecticut College, not the University of Connecticut, Connecticut College, take that in for a second. I at least graduated from a major university. Sean Spicer is the living embodiment of the American Dream for white, average looking, art students. A lot of people say Sean Spicer isn’t good at his job, I disagree, Sean Spicer is as good at his job as one should expect, if not better.

Now onto the wall, the wall has been Trump’s piece de resistance, his Mona Lisa if you will. And yesterday, the Spiceman finally gave us all a glimpse of what we’ve been waiting for and I’m not gonna lie, I was originally let down. While Spicer showed that the meheecans could no longer get over using a car carrier trailer, it was not the 50 foot Game of Thronesesq wall that I’d been hoping for, but I guess beggars can’t be choosers.

But before I could let my disappointment take hold, the Spiceman dropped this little tidbit of news, the actual name of one of the walls their considering and I swear to god, is called a “baller wall”. I don’t care what your political leanings are, if you can’t get excited for a baller wall, GTFO of my face.

Now, many have said that no matter what spending bill gets passed, it will not involve a provision that pays for the wall. Well, luckily for the Trump administration, I have the perfect plan. Who better to sponsor the “baller wall” then the OG baller himself, LaVar Ball. I can picture it now, the “Baller Wall” brought to you by Big Baller Brand. Nike and Adidas might not one to get in bed with the Balls but something tells me The Donald would have no issue going into business with them. And who better to protect America’s borders then a man who claims that he could beat Michael Jordan in a game of 1 on 1. A fact that has yet to be proven wrong, might I add.

A little off topic but it’s ironic that people are quick to call Trump and his supporters Nazi’s, yet have no issue wearing Adidas apparel, really makes you think.

Back to the wall, I still think Trump is thinking too small, you know how the Chinese were able to avoid the racist claim when they built their wall? By turning it into a tourist attraction. If people were able to actually walk across the wall like some sort of national park I bet this thing gets passed in a heartbeat (hopefully not a preexisting one, but more on that later). I can see it now, “see how the other side lives”, families walk across the wall and say “whelp, I guess it could be worse” as they slowly die from the black lung thanks to the coal mining jobs Trump was gracious enough to save.

In other wall news, the University of Baylor has found itself in hot water for hosting a Cinco de Drinko party.

bay

You can’t teach this type of PR folks,,, When your school has been in the news for covering up over 30+ rapes, in the name of football, there’s only one way to get that heat off of you and it’s to do something racist. I call this “The Trump”, if someone is calling you out for doing something bad, do something else bad and continue to, until people just get tired of it and elect you President of the United States.

The main reason this party has gotten so much flak is because the kids started chanting “build that wall!” while on the outside I can understand how this looks bad, but then again, if you just go two paragraphs above this one we’re talking about a “baller wall”. Kind of hard to get angry at a bunch of frat bros for chanting out LITERALLY the current President of the United States motto. Maybe we should start doing some self reflection to figure how in the fuck we got here in the first place and I don’t know be more mad about the RAPES. I mean does all Bill Cosby have to do is say something antisemitic or Islamophobic and we’ll just forget about his 50 rapes, cause that’s the vibe I’m getting.

Speaking of Rape (oh please, god, no, don’t) the Republicans were just able to repeal Obamacare and in turn pass their Affordable Health Care Act AKA “The Have Fun Dying Poor People Act” and hold on women because for the 2000th straight year, your rights have been decided by a bunch of old white dudes and let me tell you, at best, your future looks abysmal, but don’t just take my word for it.

god no

Look, no one loves women as much as Trump, no one. He’s just setting the boundaries. Under the Obama administration women were able to get covered for having a C-section, which I think we can all agree is a little ridiculous, no where in the bible does it ever mention C-sections and if I’m reading into this Health Care bill correctly, the Republicans have decided to base their health care plan off the Old Testament. People forget that the majority of sexual assaults occur out of wedlock, and last time I checked, sex out of wedlock is a sin, do you know what’s not a sin? Denying rape victims health care. So don’t blame Trump, blame God. As for postpartum depression, if you ask me, that just sounds like a way to get an extra week of maternity leave, everyone talks about the wonders and joys of childbirth so to say that having a baby made you depressed, is clearly just the poor trying to suckle the tit of the government and the Trump administration has had enough!

At least yesterday during the same press conference in where the Spiceman talked about the border wall, he ensured the American people that anyone with a preexisting condition will be covered under this new bill. So while Rape may count as a preexisting condition, you still will be covered…

uh oh lolol Jk, you’re fucked if you have any of the above. Luckily for most people they don’t know someone who; suffers from depression, has cancer, is/was pregnant, has asthma austism or heart failure.

wait a sec

*checks list again*

Whelp looks like no one in my family, myself included can move to the states. Who would’ve guessed being born with asthma would count as a preexisting condition. Then again, I only have myself to blame, if I didn’t want to have asthma I should’ve just made my lungs stronger in utero. Thanks a lot mom! I spent 9 months taking a vacation when I was suppose to be doing push ups.

Finally, on a lighter note, Republican’s still have a raging hard on for North Korea.

lol

I don’t really know why the Republicans hate North Korea so much, I’ll assume it’s because they have yet to allow Trump to build a hotel in their beautiful nation (Kim Jong Un’s words, not mine). Because besides that, I got nothing. In it’s entire history, North Korea has never come close to becoming a threat to American security, the Viet Cong were a bigger threat then North Korea. The only reason there even is a North Korea is because back during the Korean war they were supported by the USSR and China. I just can’t comprehend how a country as fat as america can be scared of a country currently in the midst of a 30 year famine. Whose next on Trump’s bomb list, the Sudan? I get that U.S. needs an enemy to keep the military industrial complex to churning but maybe pick someone whose actually successfully launched a rocket. Say what you want about about the first Iraq war but at least Saddam and his boys were able to launch Skud missiles into the air. At this point I’m not even sure if North Korea possesses the ability to launch a blimp without it ending like the Hindenburg. But fuck it. Trumps loves him some missiles and despite the fact that he said he’d be “honoured to meet Kim Jong Un”, he’d still rather push that big red button that’ll let him take out the nation that still believes it’s past two leaders have shot a perfect 18 on the golf course.

And thus concludes the first installment of “Holy Fuck, America Did What?”. Who knows what next week has in-store for us. Will Sean Spicer finally spontaneously combust? Will the Republicans finally discover sexual conversion technology? Only time will tell.

Oh wait, how could I forget this?

ME

LMFAO, stupid plebs, thinking the Donald can’t solve a 2000 year crisis…

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