I Don’t Know How I Feel About Cinco De Mayo Anymore

Look, to quote Donald Trump, no one loves Mexicans as much as me, no one. But after doing some research, I’m starting to think Cinco De Mayo is not all it’s cracked up to be. For example, did you know Cinco De Mayo has nothing to do with Mexican Independence? Probably not, because I assume 98% of the people who read this are white and who needs a history lesson when you can just get drunk and appropriate someone else’s culture, am I right folks,,,

What Cinco De Mayo is actually celebrating is a victory over the French and that’s where this holiday starts to lose me. Beating the french isn’t an accomplishment. Beating the French is the equivalent to passing high school, everyone thinks you’re weird and a loser if you brag about it. I mean, you’re not a real country in my eyes unless you A) have a McDonalds and B) have beaten the French, if you can’t check those boxes, then roll over and just let yourself get conquered by someone who at least has their shit together.

Could you imagine if Germany took off a day for every victory they have over the French? That country would be a 24/7 365 party. The Germans would never get anything done and Europe would crumble like Napoleon at Waterloo.

Take St. Patrick’s day for example, us Irish folk get blackout drunk in the name of St. Patrick because he chased all the snakes away. That’s something to celebrate. Before St. Patrick, the only white guy to ever beat a snake was Adam, so we’re talking a once in a millennium phenomena, not beating a country that thought the Maginot Line would stop the Germans, all but forgetting that people can parachute into countries (take notes Trump).

Also, if we’re being honest, the drinks on St. Pats are 1000x better. Call me old fashioned but I’ll take a Guinness and Jameson over a Corona and Tequila any day. Sure you might almost shit yourself the next day but at least you don’t shit yourself mid fiesta.

P.S. My dad just figured out what Cinco De Mayo meant yesterday. The guy is 52 and calls himself the smartest person he knows. I guess foreign languages don’t count.



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