Your 2017 Kentucky Derby Preview

Folks,,,, it’s that time of year again, open up the liquor cabinet and put on your fanciest hat, it’s Derby Day. Those of you who use to read NorthRow (R.I.P) might remember that I LOVE the Kentucky Derby and the triple crown in general. Is it because it gives me another reason to get drunk earlier then I should and look fancy as fuck? You better believe it! If there’s one thing the white-trash love, it’s being able to make beating a horse seem majestic.

But enough chitchat, let’s talk Ponies

All Picks In BOLD

Always Dreaming +500

I’m a big horse name guy. If I can’t trust your name, how can you expect me to trust your horse. Always dreaming is your classic Millennial horse, he thinks he’s owed the world. That dreams are achievable. It’s sad really. Do you know why they called him Seabiscuit?  It’s because people were so poor, all they wanted was to see a lousy goddamn biscuit. Always Dreaming might as well be called Nyquist because by this time next week, we’ll want to put this horse to sleep.

Classic Empire +550

A classic empire hasn’t won on American soil in close to 300 years. That’s is unless we’re talking neoclassical economic theory. Am I right comm students??

McCraken +650

No one appreciates a good joke as much as me, no one. But this is the Kentucky Derby, not the Belmont Stakes. McCraken Jokes have no business here.

Irish War Cry +700

I know what your thinking, the guy whose instagram account is WhiteTrashAndIrish is obviously going to sprinkle a little money on the horse with Irish in it’s name. Not so fast my friend! The last time the Irish released a war cry it was against themselves. I don’t need a horse with as much internal questions and angst as me. I wanna see confidence. When I see Irish War Cry, I hear “we almost died from a lack of potatoes”!

Guennevera +800

A spanish horse, in Trump’s America? Sad! I wouldn’t be surprised to hear this horse stole a good hard working american horses place.

Tapwrit +1200

This name gives a hangover just trying to pronounce it. On the plus side if he wins I can’t wait to write the headline “Tap It, Tapwrit Becomes America’s Newest Stud”.

Hence +1500


Looking At Lee +1800

Why don’t you just paint the confederate flag on this guy. A Lee hasn’t won in the States since 1864, NEXT!

Girvin +2000

People forget that Steve Irwin Aka the Crocodile Hunter was killed by a stingray

Practical Joke +2000

Practical jokes are funny in the sense that Charlie Chaplin is funny.

J Boys Echo +2200

I’m not touching this horse but if it wins, 50+ old people might die of a heart attack. The name is so audacious and in your face, I almost have to respect it. I wont put any money on J Boys Echo but I’ll definitely have my eye on the guy

Thunder Snow +2500

Anyone who knows me or this blog knows I fucking love Game of Thrones and in Game of Thrones the name “Snow” means bastard. Well it just so has it, that I’m a bastard, in every sense of the word. Like Jesus Christ, I was born out of Wedlock. I’m riding and dying with Thunder Snow. Putting money to win but the real bet is for him to show (top 3)

Gormley + 2500

What is this, the academy awards? I feel like their needs to be a cut off when it comes to the Derby, it’s not like this horse has a shot in hell to win, Nay, show.

Battle of Midway +3000

No one expects this horse to show, just like no one expected the Americans to defeat the Japanese at the Battle of Midway. This horse is here to SHOW.

Untrapped  +3300

More like untapped because when this horses loses the only fluids it’ll be producing is glue.

Iraq Irap +3300

Not today Osama

Sonneteer +3300

I got nothing.

Patch +3300

This horse has one motherfucking eye. If you don’t put money on this guy to show and he ends up winning money you’re going to feel like the biggest dick in the world.

Fast and Accurate +6000

Fox News’ new motto

State of Honor 

 Until Americans start putting U’s in their words, I refuse to take them seriously.




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