When I wrote the first one, I said that I assumed this series would have some legs but HOLY SHIT, I did not see the Trump administration out doing last week. How does one outdo falsifying Civil War battles and saying that sexual assault counts as a preexisting condition? Find out on this week’s installment of ‘Holy Fuck, America Did What?’.
First on the docket we have former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn. You may remember him as the guy who lasted less then a month in the Trump administration or maybe you remember him as the guy who was in bed with the Russians like some sort of James Bond impersonator. No matter the case, the guy just can’t seem to stay out of the news. The latest being that President Obama warned Trump about hiring the guy when they met for that totally not awkward meeting back in November.
A lot of people have given Trump flak for not taking the advice of the former President but can you really blame him? How can Trump trust the guy who wiretapped his house for over a year. Sure the FBI has said those claims were false (more on that later) but Trump’s the President, and if he says the former leader of the free world was wiretapping him, then who are we to doubt him. Just look at this photo, you can clearly tell that Trump isn’t buying what Barry O is selling and for good reason. Obama can deny and deny all he wants but this is the same guy who forgot to tell Pakistan that they were about to take out Osama one May mourning. If Obama could forget to drop that tidbit of info with such a trusted ally, how can Trump take Obama’s advice about Michael Flynn seriously. Not to mention, if Obama didn’t trust the Russians so much, why did he send the U.S. over for the Winter Olympics?
Trump refuses to be sabotaged by anyone but himself and if that doesn’t scream accountability, then I don’t know what does.
Then, easily the biggest story of the week, was Trump’s sudden firing of FBI director James Comey. Some of you might remember Comey as that guy who released all that info regarding Hillary’s emails but forgot to mention all the ties between the Trump administration and Russia. Well, Trumps only remembers one thing about this guy, the fact that he REFUSED to admit that former President Barrack Obama wiretapped Trump Towers. If I’ve learned anything about
dictatorships, the Presidency, it’s that when the U.S. President makes a bold claim, it’s the FBI directors job to prove it as fact, no matter how baseless the claim is. I mean, you’re going to sit here and tell me that J. Edgar Hoover found the time to wiretap MLK in between his homoerotic excursions but Barrack Obama was too busy to tap Trump’s house? Come on, what better things could Barrack Obama have to do then wiretap the guy whose been calling him a secret Muslim for the last 8 years.
The best part about the firing was that Trump waited until Comey was across the country before firing him.
Ironic that the guy whose most famous saying is “you’re fired” was too big a pussy to fire the director of the FBI in person.
Then again, if Comey didn’t want his ass to be grass he should’ve let up looking into Trump’s ties to the Russians. What happened to the good old days of just taking the word of your President that he wasn’t a Russian plant? Sad!
Trump then tried to pin the firing on deputy Attorney General Rod Rothstein, which led to this.
A lot of people are saying that the Trump administration is in disarray, I couldn’t disagree more. Trump thrives off chaos and if he can flood the news cycle with chaos, how can they ever pin anything on him. Once again, Trump is playing chess, while we’re playing checkers.
Luckily for all of us, Lindsay Graham, seen here trying to convince voters that he’s totally not gay.
Came on CNN yesterday to explain why Trump axed the FBI director. His reasoning was pretty sound as he said that Trump fired Comey after his inability to stop the Russians from helping Hillary win the election… Wait what?
Here’s the thing, if anyone tells you Lindsey Graham or John McCain are the “good guys”, punch them square in the face. Lindsey Graham only hates Trump because while Graham’s run for president lasted a month (?), Trump managed to win the whole goddamn thing. People keep saying how Graham and McCain have been going rogue against Trump, yet the last time I checked, everything Trump has wanted has gotten the votes…
THEN, in a move that even flabergasted yours truly, the Spiceman, seen here describing to the press just how big Trump’s dick actually is,decided to skip the press briefing in which he was going to have to explain the reasoning behind the President’s decision to fire the FBI director. Let me repeat that again, the guy whose sole job is to talk to the press about what the President is doing decided to say “fuck it” and skip out on work.
Then again, if you were Sean Spicer, would you show up to this grilling? Spicer knew he was fucked if he showed up to this thing, so he did what any 3rd grader would do, hide. My only worry is that iI haven’t heard from the Spiceman ever since he went incognito. Are we sure he didn’t decide enough was enough and hang himself?Every man has his limits and this clusterfuck might’ve just been it for old Sean Spicer. Now the only question is, does associating yourself with a possible lunatic count as a preexisting condition? I’d hate to see the Spiceman’s family miss out on his life insurance policy all because of some pesky bill the house passed last week. Just doesn’t seem fair.
Now I know what you’re thinking, we’ve heard from the deputy Attorney General, Lindsey Graham and the ghost of Sean Spicer, but where has the actual Attorney General been during throughout all this? Well, let me tell you kids, he’s been planning something special for all of us.
LOVE IT. Got states legalizing weed left and right, got advocacy groups trying to show how the war on drugs has been futile and was is the Attorney General doing? Doubling down mothafuckas! You think Jeff Sessions cares about your stats or facts? Hell, no. Comrade Sessions here wants drug users around the country to know that he’s coming for them. You wanna smoke your devil’s lettuce? Well I hope you’re ready for a mandatory minimum of 30 years, sinner. If you want to do drugs they better be prescribed and have a nice markup. And sure, some critics will likely point out the prescription drug epidemic plaguing the United States but thanks to Trumpcare, those people will no longer qualify for such drugs.
This just goes to show just how different Hitler and Trump really are. While Hitler was busy loading up on methamphetamines , Trump is doing all he can to make illegal drugs a thing of the past. This is just one of the blessings of having a President who doesn’t drink or smoke. While Barry O was blazing up in the oval office, letting states decide for themselves whether certain drugs should be legal, Trump is closing the iron curtain and if we learned anything from prohibition, crime will in no way increase…
In lighter news, a reporter was arrested in West Virginia for trying to ask the Secretary of Health and Human Services a question.
Good. Show me just where in the constitution it promises the freedom of the press? I hope this is a sign of things to come, someone asked a question you don’t like? Have the person arrested, it’s so simple I can’t believe it took this long for the States to come up with it. How is Trump suppose to get Kim Jong Un-like support if he doesn’t silence those who are asking hard questions? And in the secretaries defense, the guy was asking a pretty tough question, that question being “is sexual assault going to count as a preexisting condition”, who is the Secretary of Health and Human Services to answer that questions, he’s not a genie.
And finally the FAA is considering imposing a laptop ban on airplanes because if there’s one way to make flying even worse, it’s taking away one of our methods of escaping crying children and the heavy stench of BO.
If only the American government had thought of this 17 years ago, maybe the towers would still be standing. People forget that in the history of aviation a computer has never been blamed for a terrorist attack, YET. That’s the beauty of this administration, they can see into the future and can create events that never happened, all out of thin air.
Editors note: I’ve decided to add an award portion to this blog, including ‘New Star of The Week’ & will continue to gauge Trump’s ability to create peace in the Middle East
New Star of The Week:
Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who may or may not be Monica Lewinsky looking to exact her revenge on the american political system.
With the Spiceman doing his best Houdini impression, someone had to be sacrificed to the media and that person was Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Just look at her, she’s got the finger point down already, you can’t teach those types of intangibles folks. Huckabee also helps dispel any concerns of the Trump administration it’s lack of diversity. Thought this administration only hired blonds? Checkmate, libs.
Has Trump Achieved Peace In The Middle East?
Because if there’s one thing that has never come back to bite the United States, it’s arming a Middle Eastern faction.
“Someday I’ll write you back Osama”.