It Is With A Heavy Heart I Must Submit That Aliens Are Not Real

I would like to start this blog off by saying that for the majority of my life, I have believed in aliens and as a child, I swore that I saw a UFO. But last night as I was at the Jays game double fisting a cesar and a beer, trying to block out the mental image of having my team get dominated by Big Fat Bartolo Colon, it dawned on me. Aliens, do not exist.

Now I know what a lot of you are thinking, how did I come to such a bold conclusion. Simple, after yesterday’s information leaks, it has become abundantly clear that Donald Trump refuses to hold any information close to the chest, no matter how important it may be deemed.

So after coming to this conclusion, it’s clear that aliens don’t exist. Because there’s no way in hell, The Donald could hold something that big in, the second he saw the files on aliens, he would’ve been calling up his best bud Putin to tell him the news and would be continuously tweeting about all this great info he has, that the mainstream media doesn’t. Not to mention, if there was ever a President who’d release such information for personal gain it would be Donald Trump.

Do you know how you get past being a racist and sexist? TELLING EVERYONE ALIENS ARE REAL. All that bad press Donald Trump has been building over the last couple years? Gone. All because he let us know that we are not in fact alone. Not to mention, I have a hard time believing Trump would still be so infatuated with building a wall to keep out Mexican aliens when he could be building the first moon base to stop real fucking aliens from coming to earth.

That is, unless Trump is banking on building the first inter-planet hotel chain, and is in serious negotiations with the Alien delegation but even then, I’d assume he’d keep tweeting cryptic shit, maybe start tweeting in martian.

P.S. ET still creeps me the fuck out. Don’t wanna sound like a bad guy but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t team human in that film. Get that creepy fuck off my planet ASAP.

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