Holy Fuck, America Did What? Part 6

Welcome back to my Peabody nominated series. What started off as a pretty tame week, ended up becoming quite the heater (no pun intended). So let’s get into the gritty.

First on the docket was the news that Trump has decided that he can no longer trust the Obama wired phones of the oval office and has begun giving world leaders his personal cell phone number.

cel

You have to respect Trump’s commitment to the job. Any great businessman knows that if you wanna show people you mean business, you give them your personal cell number. This way, Angela Merkle can call up Trump at any hour and he’ll be there to answer and discuss world issues. Trump does have to be careful with this move, sure some world leaders will only call during important times, but something tells me that guys like French President Emmanuel Macron and Italian Prime Minister Paolo Gentiloni are going to use this privileged for nefarious reasons. That’s right folks,,, I’m talking unsolicited dick pics, or as the French call it laissez share.

As the headline reads, there have been questions regarding security with Trump giving out his personal phone number, but I think those people are jumping to conclusions. Trump is only giving his cell phone number to world leaders. It’s not like he’s Hillary Clinton using a private email server, so that she could help create ISIS as The Donald once elegantly put it.

Then we had Kathy Griffin doing her best ISIS impersonation by decapitating a replica Donald Trump, showing us that if there’s one group that’s heavily persecuted, it’s white christian males in positions of power.

KG

As most of you know, I don’t posses video technology so all I can do is post the above photo. The video was pretty fucked up, not gonna lie. You should probably never decapitate a President, let alone a sitting President and then post it on the internet. Could you imagine if a comedian had done this to Obama? The world would’ve burned. Luckily for Obama, his presidency was just filled with veiled racism, questioning where he was born and his religious allegiances.

Trump was not a fan of his ceremonial beheading, tweeting this after the video was released.

barron

WON’T ANYBODY THINK OF POOR BARRON!

People forget that Donald Trump has an 11 year old child, thus, is above your critiques, no matter how barbaric they may seem. It’s like when LeBron brings up the fact that he’s father of 3. Only fathers can say shit to other fathers, so please Kathy, respect the biz.

I can’t imagine the fear that struck Barron as he watched this red headed lady cut the head off of his orange father. His 11 year old brain must’ve been spinning as fast as it possibly could.

Since Barron Trump is having difficulty gauging what’s real and what isn’t, I thought I’d help him out.

Fargo

Despite the movie and TV series saying that it is based on a true story, Fargo is in fact a work of fiction, no matter how realistic those Dakota/Minnesota accents are.

Horror Movies

Now Barron, I know what you’re thinking, why do all these horror movies say “based on real events”, well rest assured B-Dog, the factual accuracy of most horror movies borders around 1-7%. What horror movies like to do is take a serial killer’s MO and then Hollywood the fuck out of it. So while the ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ says it’s based on true story, all it means, is they took Ed Gainey’s love for keeping people’s flesh.

Argo

Pretty much all fiction. America didn’t do shit, it was all Canada. You’re welcome.

Then there was the biggest news story of the week as Donald Trump sent the world into a frenzy with one single tweet.

covfefe

That’s right folks, one little typo led to 2 full days of people trying to dissect what the President meant. The craziest part of ‘covfefegate’ was the fact that Spicer told reporters that there was a small group of republicans who knew what the President meant. Yeah no duh, Spicey, everyone knew what he meant, he was trying to type “coverage” but that wasn’t even the issue. The issue was that the President left this tweet up for 15 hours! I don’t know if Trump is purposely trying to make news reporters heads explode but I think it’s working.

I still think the wildest part of Trump’s constant tweets is that he does them sober. What sober person is tweeting at midnight? If I’m tweeting at any hour past 11, assume I’m drunk. I guess we can chalk the typo up to Trump’s ‘shoot first, ask questions second’ mentality.

Finally, we have our actual biggest story of the week, as the United States has pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement, joining illustrious countries like Nicaragua and Syria as the the only countries to not be apart of the agreement.

gritsburg

1) Great to see that Dwayne Casey is helping the Trump administration run an ISO offence. 2) Hitler has to be kicking himself for not coming up with this excuse to get out of the Treaty of Versailles. “I was chosen by the people of Verden, not Versaille”. 3) While Trump does have a point, no one in Paris did actually vote for him, it’s just, when you call yourself the leader of the free world, it’s good to be an agreement that has, well, the whole world in it. Especially when your countries is the second leading contributor when it comes to pollution. Beijing may have a coating of smog but at least the Chinese signed the Paris agreement to make it look like they care about the rest of the world.

Trump has said that he’d be willing to re-enter the Paris Agreement under re-negotiations. Sadly for Trump, the 180+ countries involved in the agreement more or less told Trump to go fuck himself, by saying there will be no re-negotiating the agreement. Who would’ve guessed this would be the issue where the French put their foot-down. Never a good luck when the Vichy are calling you the bad guy.

Newly-elected French President Emmanuel Macron, who is slowly becoming Trump’s biggest arch nemesis, tweeted this out after Trump pulled out of the agreement. All but posterizing the 45th President of the United States.

macron

Star of The Week

THE SUN!

the sun

Better watch out ozone-layer because the Sun is coming for that ass.

Tweet of The Week

jesus

Erick’s got a point. How many times is Mother Earth referenced in the Bible? Checkmate, Libs.

Has Trump Created Peace In The Middle East?

Not exactly, but he’s working on it.

freinds

Trump clearly saw that if we’re going to create peace in the Middle East, we’re going to need to start seeing eye-to-eye with one-another on certain issues and Trump has decided that issue is going to be climate change.

Not to mention if global warming turns out to be true, once the earth starts cooking, how are we to know which country counts as the Middle East and which doesn’t? If all our temperatures are over 30 degrees, we might as well all be in the Middle East. Trump playing chess, while literally the rest of the world is playing checkers.

 

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