In A Shocking Twist of Events Diarrhea Related Deaths Have Risen In First World Nations

Boy do the Clinton’s love dropping bad news on people. It’s no wonder her mom lost as she was painting a portrait of horrors, all the while Trump was promising to make everything awesome like Lord Business in the ‘Lego Movie’. Why not leave the diarrhea deaths for Eric Trump, I mean, he already has the look of someone on the verge of dying of dysentery, but I digress.

This is some pretty troubling news, I thought we had all but solved the diarrhea problem in the first world. Isn’t that why kids started getting high off Imodium? Because we’ve gotten so good at stopping diarrhea, that we’re getting high off the drugs created stop it. Because if we can’t cure diarrhea, how can we ever expect to cure something more serious like cancer? Like, I’m no scientist but if I had to rank things wayyyyyy harder to cure then cancer, diarrhea would probably be at the top of that list. Not to mention, I always just assumed we let the third world die off via dysentery as some sort of population control mechanism. No one ever expects to be killed by diarrhea and that’s why it was the perfect plan, but clearly it has come back to haunt us. Was the cure for dysentery in the cure for Ebola? I guess we’ll never know…

My only other theory for why the death toll is rising is due to our love for alcohol. it’s no secret that alcohol related deaths in the first world are rising, so death by diarrhea may just be a run off effect of that. As many guys know, you can only drink so much before you are hit with a horrible case of the D.A.D.S. (day after drinking shits) so maybe along with the dehydration caused by drinking too much people are dying in an Elvis fashion.

P.S. Gotta think this is going to hurt Pepto Bismol’s stock prices. Can’t have reports of diarrhea related deaths rising when that’s pretty much your whole business model.

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