Are Aliens Murdering Saskatchewan’s Cattle Population? An Investigative Report.

Us here at ‘Saturday Morning Is my Favourite Night Of The Week’ take a few things very seriously, two of those being; animal stories and aliens. So, whenever I get a story that crosses my desk that involves both, you best believe I’m stopping whatever I’m doing and opening up a damn CSI file.

First off, after reading the news story, they come to zero credible conclusions. The concept of dehydration is thrown out but anybody who knows anything about nature, knows that’s a load of a BS. Animals can only die from dehydration if you leave them in a car on a hot summer day, watch the news for me one time CBC.

Another theory is that their was too much salt in their water. Let me stop you right there, there’s no such thing as “too much salt”, “not enough salt” (?) sure, but too much? Nah B. Not to mention, salt water is great for relieving canker sores and I refuse to sit here and believe that an animal that possess 8 stomachs isn’t ridden with cankers.

As any rational person would semis, both theories presented are complete and utter malarkey and leaves us with one of two scenarios.

Scenario 1: Aliens. If you’ve ever seen an alien movie or played ‘Destroy All Humans!’, you know that the first signs of alien activity always involve fucking with our cattle. Do aliens have some sort of fetish for cattle, I don’t know. Maybe they saw how we could turn an ugly cow into a beautiful steak and decided to give it a go. They just didn’t realize that, just because you have interplanetary travel, doesn’t mean you know how to cook a nice steak. Thus all the slaughtered cows. It’s a giant steak trial and error. Another possible scenario is that cows and aliens are ancient rivals and this is the beginning of an alien-cattle war. If ‘Ancient Aliens’ has taught me anything, it’s that aliens have been around for as long as humanity. You know who else has been around since the dawn of man? Motherfucking cows. Are aliens jealous, that certain religions honour cows and not them? Once again, I don’t know, but if I had to make an educated guess, I’d say yes.

Scenario 2: Saskatchewan is running an elaborate tourism scheme. Nothing gets asses in the seats quite like aliens. It’s the whole reason the American South West has been able to stay afloat. The story says that this has cost farmers over 300k in damages but any smart businessman knows you need to spend money to make money. So, the farmers kill their cattle in an elaborate ploy to get some airtime and next thing you know, Saskatchewan is Canada’s Roswell. The RCMP might not be on to you Saskatchewan, but I am.

Final Verdict: Inconclusive.

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