Suck it lamestream media and you losers over at CNN or should I say FNN! You guys thought you’d be able to drop a political Woj bomb on us? Well not on Donald Trump Jr’s watch. He, like every great public figure, knows that the best thing you can do when a damaging story comes out about you, is to get ahead of said story. That’s why after a year of speculation on whether or not the Trumps had inappropriate meetings with Russian officials, he released a series of emails that showed he did in fact have meetings with Russian officials despite his constant denial. And, not only did he release all this information for the public to disseminate, he did it via his father (and Jesus’) favourite medium, Twitter. Which, I’d like to take the time to say that, releasing a series of emails that incriminate you with possible treasonous implication via twitter is a PREPOSTEROUS move. Carl Bernstein and Bob Woodward have to be livid. The amount of work they put in to crack the Watergate Scandal only to have Donald Trump Jr. drop this political bombshell on twitter. I know I say this a lot, but what a time to be alive. With all that being said let’s dive into these emails.
*It should be of note that Donald Jr. released these in classic “news dump” fashion, tweeting the emails out of chronological order making it difficult to follow just exactly where this was going. But that’s why I’m here. To sort out these things.
I’d like to start off with his actual statement, it’s a classic case of sorry not sorry. “Yes I met with the Russians but they were full of shit” is essentially his defense, which I guess isn’t the worst defense when you’ve been lying about this exact altercation for over a year now. I especially like the part where he mentions that the lady he was meeting he knew before from the pageant circuit. People forget that the Trumps were the backbone to the pageant institution. So when Donnie Jr. took up this meeting, he thought he was just meeting with some ex-model (no big) not some Kremlin liaison. I can’t tell you how many times that’s happened to me in my life. One second you’re hanging out with a bunch of hot models and next thing you know, you’re under investigation for spilling the beans to foreign nationals.
Off the bat, you never want to have your secret meetings to have the title “private and confidential” that’s secrecy 101. Anytime you do something like that, you’re just asking for prying eyes, so, so far if Donald Trump Jr. is guilty of anything, it’s being a shitty spy. Then you have Rob Goldstone (I have no clue who he is) telling Donnie Jr. that Russia is pro-Trump, a not so surprising endorsement as last year Trump also got the coveted Kim Jong Un endorsement but that’s neither here nor there. The Trumps have gone the last year playing dumb with their Russian dealings and now we have it, in email, that the Russians were actively trying to help Donald Trump win the 2016 election.
What the lamestream media will likely ignore is the fact that Donald Trump Jr. is a safe driver. He told Mr. Goldstone that he was currently driving and couldn’t have a full fledged conversation. Say what you want about Donald Jr. but in a world where celebs think they’re above road rules, Donald Jr. is out here acting like a regular Joe.
The best part of these emails has to be the closing line “This Iphone speaks many languages” nothing screams “I deal with shady foreign nationals like a multilingual phone”. My former boss The C probably put it best.
The second email isn’t much when it comes to incriminating evidence and is more of a case of missed connection. Really brings a human touch to this whole thing. Even when their trying to do illegal dealings, father time still runs the show.
Email numero trois gets into the details of when and what time they’ll meet. When it comes to secret-illegal meetings, it’s probably best not to have them at your office. I know what you’re thinking, those are the people you can trust. Does not matter, you always, always have it in a different locale, preferably a seedy motel, it might seem stereotypical but stereotypes exist for a reason.
Our last email leaves us with the meeting being set in stone. It’s nice to see that the boys were able to organize their secret meeting and get all the details hashed out. For a while there it was looking like this meeting would never come to fruition. Luckily for all of us, it did.
I would say the best part of all of this isn’t the emails themselves, but the tweets that Donald Jr. was dropping beforehand.
Whenever you’re about to tweet out a series of incriminating emails it’s always a great move to try and remind the people that the person your father beat was also taking meetings with foreign nationals. Only, the Democrats in classic loser fashion chose to get info from a country that had just been invaded by Russia, where as the Trumps’ went straight to the source.
Also, had Donald Jr. come out and admitted to this meeting in the first place, this is a non story. Of course he took meetings to get the inside scoop, that’s just playing the game. It’s when you lie to the people and have it on record, that it becomes an issue. Especially when you’re too stupid to come up with better subject lines. That would be like the allies sending the resistance pamphlets on June 4th saying “huge invasion come the 6th, don’t tell Nazis”.
I just hope to god that my good friend Sean Spicer will be able to make it out of this. We already know he’s been binge eating to deal with the pressure that comes with being Trump’s PR guy. Hate to be a Cheesecake Factory in DC right about now.
P.S. nothing will come of this. We’ll have a new cavalcade of shit to dig through in a few days. If there’s one thing Trump’s good at, it’s news dumps.