Your Timothy Richard Tebow III Update:

They said it was a publicity stunt, they said it was a joke and they doubted he’d ever become something, but when the Egyptians came a knocking Moses Tebow parted that motherfucking Red Sea.

I use to believe that Tebow was the second coming of Jesus but I was wrong. Tebow is like every major guy from the bible bukkake’d into a test tube, to create God’s perfect child.

Just check the tape.

His ability to handle wood brings back memories of Noah. All Noah’s neighbours thought he was a quack, just like most the media thought Tebow was a quack for ditching the leather and opting for wood. The only difference between Noah & Tebow’s stories are that while Noah’s doubters drowned in water, Tebow’s doubters are drowning in their tears as he’s on his way to beating Joe DiMaggio’s hitting streak.

He slayed AFC North Giant Big Ben like he was a modern day David.

He’s a two sport athlete a’la King Solomon.

In attempting to do his best Gamaliel impersonation, he’s spent a lot of times circumcising Filipino babies.

He’s saved lives like Jesus all the while being metaphorically crucified.


Like Isaiah, he knew that nobody was perfect and that we can fall to sin, this helped Tebow deal with such heathens like Aaron Hernandez & Riley Cooper

And finally, like God himself, Tebow has been smiting the ball as if it was Sodom  & Gomorrah.


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