A Swansong For Sean Spicer

resign

You know how they say “you don’t know what you got, till it’s gone” (?), that’s Sean Spicer. There were Press Secretaries before him and there will be Press Secretaries after him, but none of them will hold a candlestick to the Spiceman. Sean Spicer had the perfect amount of pzazz, mixed with a sprinkle of je ne sais croit. What I’m trying to say, is that, Sean Spicer was as close to we’ll ever get to creating a real life Power Puff Girl.

Spicer’s time at the White House wasn’t all great. He tripped on every third word, had a very loose grasp of the English language and was worse at controlling a room, then a substitute teacher. But like every great train wreck, you just couldn’t take your eyes off of it. Spicer was life imitating art. As every day he went up, onto that podium, he tried his darnedest to do his best Mike McLintock impersonation, only to completely surpass all of our expectations.

I’m just happy Spicer was able to make it out of this alive. Anyone whose read my blogs on Spice-y know that I was worried his little heart couldn’t take the demands of the job.

So what is Spicer to do with all his free time?

Glad you asked!

  1. Write the great American Novel.

Sean Spicer could write possibly the greatest tell-all book of all-time. You find me someone who wouldn’t read that bad boy and I’ll show you a liar. To get into the thoughts of the man who had to day-in and day-out go up on the podium and defend possibly the craziest president in living memory is no easy task. I need to know how Spicer got himself prepared, what was his pump up song? What was his go to meal, knowing that he’d be perspiring out of every orifice? These are all questions I need answered and the title of his book? ‘The Spice of Life’

2. Go on SNL.

The only way to truly get into the public’s good-graces is to show that you have the ability to laugh at yourself. Look at OJ yesterday, he was yawkin’ it up with the parole board and boom, he’s gonna be out of prison in a few months. This is why Spicer needs to do the same. Have Melissa McCarthy doing her “hilarious” impersonation and then have Spicer walk out from behind and be like “This is enough, I quit”. Boom, you’re welcome.

3. Join CNN

If you can’t beat em, join em. Spicer will be one of the most sot after free agents in the press world. Everyone will be looking to have him be a contributor and while Fox would be the easier of the two transitions, joining CNN would allow him to #rebrand. We all know these talking heads don’t believe what they say, sans Alex Jones. So Spicer could easily be one of CNN’s insiders and he offers a unique perspective that nobody else does. If I’m CNN, I’m currently mailing Spicer a fuck-ton of cash.

Spice

 

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.

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