Despite Certain Reports, I Did Not Chainsaw A Bunch of People In Switzerland Over The Weekend

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I know this looks bad, I get it. You never want to look like someone who just went on a chainsaw rampage but like I said, I swear to God that man is not me. Just look at that luscious head of hair, you don’t think I’d kill to have a head full of hair? There’s not a single open spot on that guys’ melon.

Now, I will concede that the hairline and body type are very similar to mine. I wouldn’t say I have the greatest posture, I’ve gotten a belly as of late and if we’re being honest, like our chainsaw-wielding friend here, you could land a helicopter on my forehead.

But back to my defence, let’s just look at the facts. Would I, whose Instagram handle is WhiteTrashAndIrish be able to afford a one way ticket to Switzerland, let alone be able to purchase a chainsaw? Sure, I’ve written a bunch of tweets and blogs where I say Switzerland is in my top 5 for least favourite countries in the world, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna spend my precious money, fly over there and only chainsaw 5 people. If I’m travelling the Atlantic, I’m at least taking out 10 people, or what’s the point.

Anyone who knows me knows I’m not a T-shirt guy and for this exact reason. You can’t look good in a T-shirt if you look like me. People like me were built for sweaters and tank tops, no in betweens, or else we start looking like a 5’8 piece of play-doh. His jeans are also about 2 inches too high; there’s no comfort in wearing your jeans at waist level. If you ain’t showing ass, you ain’t living your best self.

And then probably the biggest piece of evidence working in my favour is that there’s not a shot in hell that I know how to use a chainsaw. If you think I possess the capabilities to figure out how to turn on, let alone operate a chainsaw, then you have way too high of an opinion of me. I can hardly use a wrench properly, let alone a chainsaw.

*In extremely southern voice*

So in conclusion ladies & gentlemen of the jury, it is inconceivable for someone of my socioeconomic standing and overall handiness to have possibly found the time to go to Switzerland to chainsaw up a few people and I do declare, that anybody who says that me and this man are one in the same will face the full wrath of the law.

Mmmm thank you.

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