2017 Continues To Be The Year of Celebrity Deaths, As We’ve Now Lost Famed Orangutan Chantek

Can 2017 just end already!

First we lost Chris Cornell, then Chester Bennington and now Chantek the orangutan has died at the tender young age of 39. Chantek wasn’t your ordinary orangutan, oh, no no no. Chantek was one chromosome and assault rifle away from being a real life character from ‘Planet of the Apes’. There’s a solid chance that Chantek had a better grasp on the English language then I did. Heck, this beautiful orange bastard even attended the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga and I wouldn’t be surprised to find out he graduated with a better degree then I did. Granted, that isn’t the most difficult thing to do when you’re competing against a guy who graduated with a BA but the point remains the same.

Then again, Chantek’s death may have been a red herring. As sad as I am to see my good friend pass, hyper-intelligent monkeys are no joke. They already posses superhuman strength, so the last thing we want is for them to develop super intelligence. That’d be like teaching Vin Diesel how to read. Sure right now, he’s all chill with his ‘Fast’ franchise but if ever developed the ability to form a coherent thought, he could possibly take over the world.


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