2017-2018 Indianapolis Colts Preview: Panic Time

We are now in year 5 of the Andrew Luck era and like The Wolf of Wall Street the beginning was fucking awesome only to end in a depressing, way to long finale. So, yeah, pretty much Luck’s career, although in his defense, it’s hard not to implode when your O-line is only slightly more talented then me.

Chuck Pagano is starting this season on the hottest of hot seats. The radiation omitted throughout his chemo-sessions didn’t even omit as much heat as this. This is going to sound morbid, but every year my buddy messages me midway through the season asking me if I wish the cancer had won? And honestly, yes, Chuck Pagano by all accounts is a good dude, but I don’t care about kindness, I’ll take a cocaine riddled Michael Irvin or post-dog fighting Michael Vick if it meant that the Colts won the Super Bowl.

2016-2017 Record: 8-8 (3rd in AFC South, 1st in Heartbreak)

The Good: 

Andrew Luck. Really do I need to say more? It’s Luck or bust.

The Bad:

Everything? o-line sucks, defense is putrid, our coach hands out “grit coins” and is only still employed because he once had cancer. My buddy had cancer in grade 12, yet he didn’t get to coach an NFL team. Kinda bull shit if you ask me.

The Ugly:

We can’t even win the AFC South. Fin.

Week 1 @ Rams W

Even without Luck I think the Colts win this badboy. When Geoff throws for over 200 yeards wake me up. LA already hates this team and if the Colts can’t beat this melange of shit, then fuck it.

I can’t wait for Tayvon Austin to have his only good game of the season against the Colts.

Week 2 Vs. Cardinals W

Cancer Vs. Kangol. I think the Colts get absolutetly tourched by Johnson but still see them pulling it off. Sorry Bruce

Week 3 Vs. Browns W


Week 4 @ Seahawks L

This is one of those games where you have a few fingers of whiskey, smoke some weed and take half a xan just to remind yourself it could be worse

Week 5 Vs. 49ers W

I look great in Levi’s. Teach you guys to fire Harbaugh

Week 6 @ Titans L

Let’s cut the shit, the Colts are losing this by 14.

Week 7 Vs. Jaguars W

I’m excieted to see who the Jags send at us by this point. Is it Bortles? Henne? Kapernick? Rich Gannon?, only time will tell. Colts win this in a close one and if they don’t, fuck me sideways

Week 8 @ Bengals L

Pagano might have had cancer for a season but Andy Dalton has been a ginger his whole life. Sorry Pagano but cancer only gets you so far and by that I mean he should’ve been fired the second we found out he had a medical defect, no offence.

Week 9 @ Texans L

The Colts go up 14 and blow it. I fucking hate this team

Week 10 Vs. Steelers L


Week 11 BYE

Maybe Andrew can fuse all his organs.

Week 12 Vs Titans W

Sorry Tennessee but when your states hero is a quarterback who routinely dunked on you, you just gotta find a belt and kick that chair.

Week 13 @ Jaguars W

this game pretty much decides the season. follow @McFultz1Percent if you wanna see a man absolutely meltdown mid November

Week 14 @ Bills W

Buffalo hates their quarterback because he’s black. Fuck em.

But also S/O to Bills Mafia, wildest motherfuckers in the game

Week 15 Vs. Broncos W

All I Do Is Win. Fuck all you fans who hopped on the Denver bandwagon. God forbid the people of Indianapolis have to deal with 1 bad season. entitled, mayo, eating cunts.

Week 16 @ Ravens W

Ray Lewis Killed a guy, Ray Rice dragged the corpse of his K/O’d wife. Am I missing something? Look, I hate the patriots, I hate them more then I like the Colts but the amount of shit they get is absolutely hoseshit comapred to the Raves, The Ravens are one rape case away from being Baylor,

Week 17 Vs. Houston W

This is the AFC South Championship game. It ends in two ways. Either I get way to excited to be back in the plaoffs and make a fool out of myself or I drink until I can’t count the fingers on my hands.


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