Despite Contrary Reports, Christian Bale Is Not Portraying Me In An Upcoming Movie.

I’m not going to lie, the first time I saw this photo, I had to do a double-take. I mean, I didn’t remember selling the rights to my autobiography Random Boners On A Long Car Ride: The Austen Fulton Story, but the resemblance is uncanny.

Just look at the side by side

You tell me which one is the critically acclaimed actor and who recently spent a Thursday morning violently dry-heaving into a toilet, only to start drinking screwdrivers two hours later? YOU CAN’T!

Sadly, it turns out that this all for a role as Dick Cheney, which I’m not gonna lie, is a shot to the ego. One second I’m on top of the world with Christian Bale looking like me and next thing you know, I’m the archetype build for the Vice President who shot his hunting buddy.

At least I can take solace in the fact that I now know Batman could play me in a biopic. That’s a pretty high honour. The Dark Knight trilogy is up there for my favourite movies of all-time and are a drunk staple of mine. A sure way to tell if I’m drunk is once I start breaking out Dark Knight impersonations.

I always thought Simon Pegg would play me but at this moment, it’s clear who the favourite is. Bruce Wayne himself AKA Christian Bale.

P.S. How psyched is Christian Bale that he gets to get fat? Every role he’s always losing 100 pounds or bulking up to fight Tom Hardy. Finally, he can just sit back, crush some beers, eat some pizza and let the Oscar noms come rolling in.



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