Yesterday, news broke that the Big Baller himself, LaVar Ball had removed both his sons, LiAngelo and LaMelo from UCLA and decided to have them sign with Vytautus Prinei-Birštonas in the basketball powerhouse nation of Lithuania. Much of the sports world has lauded this move and have been quick to point out that the current coach of the team sells meat out of his car, as if that’s some sort of ominous sign. And look, I get why all the big media outlets are angry, they wanted the right’s to the Ball’s story not the Lithuanian media. For as much shit people give LaVar, he puts ass’ in the seats and now no one is going to care about UCLA basketball again. Not to mention, now every major sports network has found themselves in a bidding war for the Lithuanian Basketball league. Could you imagine the faces of the FOX and ESPN execs when they found out they had to bid on a basketball league playing in a country that has GDP of under 50 billion?
So, whilst the big media corporations are bashing LaVar, I on the other hand, would like to applaud him. Everybody knows that the key to a succesfull company is “brand recognition”. Well, the Ball’s just became the first black family in Lithuania, so recognition achieved. Before, when LiAngelo walked the streets, most people just thought he was a weird kid with braces but not anymore, oh no no, he’s the second best basketball player in Lithuania, he’s the MJ of Lithuania’s brother, he’s… he’s… the Pocket Ball. LaVar Ball also realized that there was still one key geographic location he had yet to corner, Eastern Europe. Everyone in North America knows the Ball family and thanks to LiAngelo, so does all of China but the one market Big Baller Brand hadn’t tapped was the Eastern Front. But not anymore, now LaVar Ball is going to be swimming in Euros, which you know has to piss-off Donald Trump, seeing as the dollar is trading at 85 cents compared to the Euro. BBB win’s again.
Which brings me to Mother Russia. No one loves sports more then Putin, no one. And after having his whole country banned from the next Olympics, he’s reeling, and then what happens? He gets cucked by Lithuania, FUCKING Lithuania. Putin could live with the Ball’s migrating to Spain or China but a country in his own back yard? Disgusting. If I know Vlad, like I think I do, that KGB motherfucker is LIVID. And how does Putin take out his anger? Invasions. Russia comes third in medals behind the U.S. and China at Beijing? Invades Georgia. Russian hockey team embarrasses him in Sochi? Invades Ukraine. The point is, either Putin really hates losing or really likes invading countries during Olympic years but it’s clear that he can not let this move by Lithuania stand. Do you know how pissed Donald Trump would be if Putin became friends with LaVar Ball? You could tell Trump that Russia was wiretapping his phone this instant and he still wouldn’t get mad at Putin but to find out he’s hanging out with the guy who didn’t thank him for “saving” his son, dear god, he may demand for the nuclear football.
Look, let’s not pretend Lithuania is a thriving nation, their best Basketball player couldn’t even get drafted by an American team, THERE’S 29 OF THEM! And the last thing I want to do is encourage a war that may cost some lives but facts are facts. And the fact is, if Putin wants to keep acting like he’s the toughest guy on the block then he needs to get the loudest man on the block and the only way to do that is by invading Lithuania.
P.S. Could you picture the Russian starting 5 at the Olympics?
C Timofey Mozgov
PF Andrey Vorotsevich
SF Vitaly Fridzon
SG LaMar Ball
PG LaMelo Ball
6th Man LiAngelo Ball
Coach Lavar Ball