This Turtle Who Claims To Have Just Gotten “Tangled Up” With A Couple Tons of Cocaine Is Full of Shit.

OK Mr. Turtle, you just “randomly” got caught with $53 million dollars worth of cocaine, haven’t heard that one before…

Leave it to this turtle to out smart the DEA and making them think that the cocaine wasn’t his. There’s a reason turtles live longer then us and it’s because they’re smarter. If I know anything about darwinism, it’s that god decides on how long an animal lives by how smart it is. That’s why goldfish have a lifespan of like two-weeks, because they can’t remember anything past 5 seconds. Every couple seconds is like a New Year to those golden fucks, so what’s the point of prolonging the inevitable? Where as us and turtles have the pain of remembrance and have to tie one off every once and a while

My other theory, is that turtles’ are the world’s biggest cocaine cartel. I don’t wanna come across as speciesist, but turtles look like one of the least likely animals to distribute cocaine. An iguana or raccoon? Sure, I’d buy that but a turtle? Not in a million years, like an animal Keyser Soze.

So while this young wannabe Escobar is out stunting on the DEA and PETA, I’m not buying what this turtle is selling, unless it’s cocaine, then I’ll take an 8-ball, what’s that cost, 30 pieces of kale?

P.S. Arguably my best tweet ever.

Screenshot 2017-12-21 17.25.34


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