We Are All Fucked

Last night, the New England won their 8th AFC Championship in 17 years, which is an absolutely stupid fact. Just this year, the Bills made it to their first playoff appearance in 17 years and here’s the Pats going to their 8th Super Bowl in the same amount of time… Jesus Christ.

Anyways, any person with a soul was cheering for the Jaguars in the highly touted G.O.A.T. Vs. B.O.A.T. AFC Championship matchup. A game that involved two QBs’ with a combined 5 Super Bowl victories. Not to mention, the Jags had all the pieces needed to beat the Pats, they have possibly the best defense in the NFL, can kill clock by running the ball AND have the Patriot killer himself, Tom Coughlin running the show.

Throughout the game the Jags D did all they could to stop Brady and Co. even knocking out Gronk early in the game with a concussion, which begs the question, how does one even tell if Gronk is concussed? The guy can’t form a full sentence to begin with and is pretty much just a walking concussion. I assume when they put him under the tent he went all Beautiful Mind on their ass’ and were forced to sit him for the remainder of the game.

Despite this great display of defense, the Jaguars offense just couldn’t pull away. Blake Bortles played shockingly well during the game but still showed glimpses of classic Bortles, missing some fairly easy throws. This allowed the Pats to stay within 10, with 12 minutes left in the game. Then, then something magical happened, Brady threw a screen pass to running back Dion Lewis, Lewis then received superb blocking allowing him to run for over 20 yards and only had one man to beat, Myles Jack. What happened next? Myles Jack stripped Lewis of the ball in a play of sheer will. And for the first time all game, people began to ask the question “could the Jaguars actually beat the Patriots”? Despite this growing optimism, anybody whose watched football had their doubts, just look at this tweet I posted after the fumble.

Screenshot 2018-01-22 10.51.23


And that’s exactly what happened, despite being down 10 with about 10 minutes left in the game, the New England Patriots came back to beat the Jags and are now once again on their way to the Super Bowl. I don’t know how they always do it but it fucking kills me. I hate the New England Patriots more then I like the Colts and every year they find a new way to kick me in the dick.

Screenshot 2018-01-22 10.54.17

With the best defense out of the way, there was only one hope to stoping the Patriots… The Minnesota Vikings, a team that just so happened to have a great D themselves. My one caveat with the Vikings situation is that I had guaranteed the Vikings would lose in heartbreaking fashion in the Super Bowl, which is taking place in Minnesota. Then, this happened….

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So now for the second time in my lifetime, the Patriots will play the Eagles for the Super Bowl, just instead of Donovan McNabb, the Eagles will led by Big Dick Nick, instead of Andy Reid, they’ll be coached by Doug Pederson and instead of Terrell Owens, they’ll have Alshon Jeffrey as their star wideout. Yet, despite these differences, we all know the inevitable outcome.

The fucking Patriots are going to win their 6th goddamn Super Bowl in 17 years. So, congrats Pats fans, I know how hard it must be for you guys to cheer for this team, with all their ups and downs, you guys totally deserve this.

P.S. Mark Wahlburg beat an asian man blind because of his race. HOW’S IT FEEL TO KNOW YOUR CITIE’S HERO ONCE DID THAT!


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