Groundhog Flips The Script. Declares 6 More Weeks of Bloodshed??

First off, I’d like to state, the fact that we have multiple groundhogs telling us whether or not we’ll have 8 more weeks of winter is horseshit. It dilutes the whole process and is a clear example of participation trophy culture running rampant #NotMyGroundHog, next thing you know, these heathens are going to be trying to convince us there are multiple gods and religions…

But as always I digress, I love this groundhog’s spirit but his action leaves me wondering, why haven’t more groundhogs attempted to escape? I don’t want to victim blame. BUT… if I was a groundhog being used to determine to weather, I’d make a break for it come year 3. I have a hard time believing that this groundhog isn’t smarter then every person participating in this event. These are the same mouth-breathers who think global warming doesn’t exist because it snowed this winter. So if you can’t escape from those yokels, you probably deserve to be used as some sort of prop.

This story once again proves that I am this generations Laura Secord. For 2 years now I’ve warned of the imminent animal v human war and here we are, on our second most celebrated animal holiday, giving this journalist flashbacks of the Yom Kippur War.

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