I’m quite skeptical about the latest “internet craze” to sweep my generation. It seems that the only two news articles that the media is able to post about millennial’s has to do with some stupid new craze that may or may not kill the people taking part in it or some business article about another industry or business we killed. Cue the condom snorting challenge, where one snorts a condom and then regurgitates it through their mouth or as Amanda Bynes calls it, Tuesday.
The condom challenge is the perfect storm, nay bukake that the media needed. It’s a challenge just fucked up enough to get the people talking but not to crazy that people will look into it. Enter moi, investigative journalist ordinaire.
Millennial’s hate condoms, that’s not an opinion that’s a fact. During my teenage years, the most watched show on MTV was literally called 16 And Pregnant. So to support an industry that could hinder our enjoyment would be counterproductive. This is why I wouldn’t be shocked to discover that Trojan was behind this whole ruse. Trojan probably saw that if we were willing to put a childhood staple like Toys-R-Us out of business, then we’d be more then willing to put them under. It’s not in our nature to wear condoms, that’s why the city of Troy is mentioned exactly zero times in the bible. At their best, condoms make dick taste less like dick and stop pregnancy*. At their worst, they could ruin the whole experience.
Allow me to paint you a little picture:
It’s 2am in the morning, a young lad meets a nice girl at the bar, they go back to her place, everything’s going well. Maybe they put on a little Netflix, perhaps some Drake to set the mood (Take Care era). Next thing you know, things are starting to get hot and heavy. The girl asks the guy if he brought a condom? He replies “no” (thinking to himself, who wears condoms?). She tells him that it’s fine and that she thinks she might have one in a drawer. She finds it and hands it to him… It’s a magnum. Sure, our protagonist doesn’t have a micro-penis a’la Blake Anderson but he’s not packing a magnum. Unable to recover from the embarrassment, our protagonist goes home. Night ruined. Our protagonist never allows himself to feel a connection with another human being again. He bunkers in, putting all his focus on becoming a succesfull politician. At first no one thinks anything of him, nothing new for our protagonist, he’s dealt with adversity before. After a few years of political unrest and a major economic downturn, he finds himself in charge of the whole country. 12 years later, he kills himself. That’s right, I’m talking about Adolf Fucking Hitler.
All that being said, if there’s one thing Millennials hate, it’s being late on things. We pride ourselves on being first, first to tweet something, first to discover the latest rapper. We are a generation of first’s, it’s why IPAs don’t go out of business even though they taste like shit. Because every millennial needs to at least try this new beer instead of shutting up and drinking your problems away, like you’re suppose to. That’s why Trojan came up with the ingenious idea of creating a new craze, in order to increase profit revenue, while making Millennials look stupid. Truly a baby-boomers wet-dream.
Think about it, like the tidepod challenge, the condom snorting challenge is being touted by the mainstream media as the latest youth killer but just like the tidepod challenge, no one knows a person whose done it. Sure, you see the same three videos circulating on the internet but considering how much time we spend on the internet posting stupid videos, it’s a pretty small number and hardly deserves to be called a “craze”. These videos are just the equivalent to those three guys in high-school who’d do acid together.
The real controversy here, is that Tidepods objectively look like they would taste good, hell, they even smell good! Whilst condoms, by purpose look like a latex cock. Sure, condom technology has advanced immensely, adding an assortment flavours to spice up things up I have to assume that at best, they taste like watered-down Kool-Aid. Meanwhile Tidepods are out here looking like a fully loaded fruit gusher. Making them clearly the better snack.
*Couldn’t stop me bitch! 1%