Hello Darkness My Old Friend….

To paraphrase the late Roman politician Gaius Flaminius “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK”

In what can be both described as heartbreaking, yet predictable, the Toronto Raptors found a way to lose to the Cleveland Cavaliers in game 1 of the Eastern Conference Semi-Final. For the first time in franchise history, the Raptors found themselves heading into the playoffs as the 1 seed. This gave the Raptors a tremendous advantage seeing as they only lost 7 games the entire season at home. This was also the first time the Raptors truly had a chance to beat LeBron and the Cavs. You gotta remember, this isn’t the Cavs of old, this team is more like the 2007 Anderson Varejao Cavaliers, not the 2016 Varejao Cavs. This team was being dragged to the playoffs like a reluctant toddler. If it wasn’t for the fact that the greatest player in NBA history happened to play for them, this team would’ve been drafting in the lottery, not a single doubt in my mind.

The stage was set, the Raptors not only had home-court advantage but found themselves as the better and probably more importantly, deeper team. The Cavs on the other-hand had just played on Sunday in an intense game 7 against the Pacers. So with all the odds in their favour including being a 7 point favourite, the Raptors went to work and were firing on all cylinders. The players were playing there dicks off, Leo and Jack were losing their collective minds in the booth and team ambassador/co-owner Aubrey Drake Graham was doing his best Spike Lee impersonation giving everyone in ear-range a plethora of verbal attacks, not seen since the Drake-Meek feud of 2015. The Raps ended the first quarter leading 33-19.

In the second quarter the Raptors would find themselves outscored 38-27 but still went into halftime with a 60-57 lead. I should mention, that while the Raps only lead by 3 going into half, everyone watching that game still felt like the Raptors were in control. The refs had called double the amount of fouls on the Raptors, even though both teams were playing physical and LeBron 98% of the calls he wanted. The Cavs also had to play THEIR best ball if they wanted to compete with the Raptors, where in past years it’s been the opposite.

In the third quarter the Raptors once again outscored the Cavaliers, this time 27-25. With the score at 87-82 going into the fourth, the stage was set. The Raptors had led all game and there was no reason to think they wouldn’t continue this trend for the rest of the game…

That is until you remember one key chink in the Raps armour. The Raptors were going into the fourth quarter of a metaphorical game 7. If game 1 against the Wizards was a game 7, then this was that and then some. This is the one spot where the Raptors have the disadvantage. LeBron is a monster in Game 7’s. throughout his career LeBron is 5-2 in game 7’s and averages a double-double and over 30 points. This one of those situations where calling game’s “game 7” can really come back to bite you on the ass and it did.

In the fourth quarter the Cavaliers started their attack. Everyone on their team finally woke up and played their best quarter. Love went from making 1 shot all game to hitting 2 big ones back-to-back, Tristan Thompson looked¬† like he did in game 7 against the Pacers even sinking 2 clutch free-throws late in the fourth as Raptors’ fans chanted “KHL-OE”. The biggest point of contention was when Kevin Love committed an offensive foul against DeRozan which probably should’ve been a technical. Now, it’s one thing to not call a technical but the Raps were in the bonus meaning they should’ve been at the free-throw line, hopefully adding to their lead. Instead, they ended up getting a 5 second violation (LOVE THIS TEAM).¬† The Cavs would actually get a late lead in the fourth, only to have the Raptors tie the game back up. Then, with less then 15 seconds, and with the game tied at 105 the Raptors had a chance to finally win the game.¬†This is the part where I remind you all that I don’t possess video-technology so bare with me. DeRozan brought the ball into Cavalier territory and then rushed into the paint and jacking the ball out to Fred VanVleet who launched a 3 that would rebound into the hands of DeRozan who then shot a heavily contested 5-foot jumper. The ball would then somehow manage to rebound back into DeRozan’s hand, who tried to tip it in, only for Valanciunas to get the rebound and try to tip it in himself, all of which failed and LeBron managed to finally secure the ball. If you got a little lost there that was three, yes THREE offensive rebounds in a matter of seconds and the Raptors still couldn’t put the game away.

ye

I feel you Jonas, I feel you.

The Cavs would then outscore the Raptors in overtime 8-7 and found themselves somehow on the winning end of a game that they led for maybe 4 minutes (?) 113-112.

I have watched the Raptors for my whole life, I remember Vince quitting on the team, I remember Kobe’s 81, I’ve seen this team hit a lot of lows and last night might’ve been the lowest. All of the NBA was laughing at us last night. Once again we found ourselves on the precipise of a huge win, only to end up feeling like we’ve been kicked in the nuts. After the game I just sat there, starring at my TV, I didn’t know what to feel. All I knew was that in a half hour span me and the city of Toronto went from the top of the world to the sunken place. It fucking sucked.

My only silver lining for the game is the fact that the Cavs had to play the best possible game they could and get all the calls. Well, both those things happened last night and hopefully…HOPEFULLY, that won’t happen again. Then again, were playing a guy whose been to 7 straight NBA finals…..

not good

Points of Note:

Drake Vs. Kendrick Perkins

Drake and Kendrick Perkins got into a couple heated exchanges throughout the game which is definetly a bold move on Drake’s part because there’s no way this guy:dr

Is beating up this guy:

perk

J.R. Smith

J.R. Smith was playing like laying the pipe depended on it scoring 20 points and going 5-6 from 3.

Kyle Korver\

Korver as well had a 3 point onslaught scoring 19 and going 5-12 from beyond the arc.

Jonas

The ittybitty baller had 21 points and 21 rebounds but despite setting a Raptors first with 21 rebounds in the post-season, he still couldn’t score when it counted.

LeBron

I know a lot of people call LeBron a bitch and I still obviously think he’s the greatest player of all-time but holy fuck he just doesn’t stop wining. That being said, he did record a triple-double scoring 26, including a last second jumper to tie the game up and had 11 rebounds and 13 assists.

boom

Lowry

Lowery had 18 points, 10 assists and after the game looked like he had just stepped in on his mother blowing Santa.

ah

DeRozan

And last but not least, DeMar DeRozan led the team with 22 points and had 7 rebounds with 5 assists, Obviously none of this matters because they still lost…

Game 2 takes place tomorrow at 6pm, I wish I had something positive to say but I honestly don’t know if the Raptors can rebound from this. We could find ourselves on the wrong end of a prison shower interaction…

P.S. The Raptors losing in absolutely heartbreaking fashion was just god reafirming that I’m his favourite fuck-toy. First, two people at my work mentioned that they thought I had gotten fatter. Look, I’m the first to admit I’ve put on a couple dozen lbs but that’s what happens when you go from having scurvey in second year, to eating Subway in teachers college. These things just happen. It also doesn’t help that half my dress-shirts were used to stop my brother from bleeding from multiple stab wounds (Mazle Tav), leading me to be left with mainly pre-weight gain clothing. THEN the guy at my local subway forgot my cookies (totally unrelated to the weight-gain) despite me ordering and paying for a combo. And finally, the Raptors bukkake’d me with sadness. What a Tuesday.

P.P.S. T’s & P’s to the buttons on the shirt I’m wearing right now. Poor bastards are holding on for their lives. Literally.

 

 

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