For the the 3rd year in a row I am honoured to bring you my Kentucky Derby Picks. For those of you who may be experiencing this for the first time or those who may have forgotten, here’s how this works. I’m half horse (see my teeth) and inebriated, AKA keys to success.
Let’s talk some Midget Holders.
Picks in BOLD
My Boy Jack +1200
My brother’s named Jack, last October he got stabbed multiple times. Gonna be a hard pass.
Ben Mendleson is one of the best actors out there currently. So yeah, take my money
Good Magic +1100
Like Magic Mike 3, this horse ain’t got a shot in hell.
Bolt d’Oro +650
Half Usaine Bolt, half Oreo. I’m drunk and out of clever jokes, sue me.
Magnum Moon +1000
Her name literally translates to “big dick space rock”
Vino Rosso +1700
Never underestimate the Germans or David Hasslehof
Lone Sailor +3800
I watched Lone Survivor, this race ends the same.
Free Drop Billy
Like Billy the Kid, this horse ends with a bullet in the back.
Promises Fulfilled +6300
Can’t win with a name like this. My grandma bought a horse and called it Family Chance, thing never even sniffed 5th. Bad names are a sign of bad leadership.
It’s about time the LGBTQ community broke into the horse community. But just like equality, this bitch is coming up short.
Pretty much sums up my gambling history. Damn right I got this horse placing.
Noble Indy +4600
Like Sitting Horse & Crazy Bull, this horse has the promise to make an early impact, only to fade away in the backdrop of history.
Firenze Fire +6600
Leave it to the Italians to name a horse after the leading cause of Italian soldier’s death’s.
I will never bet on a wop, that’s a promise.
Arguably the most pompous horse in this years race. Solomini presents herself as half sommelier and half biblical story. This horse might want to spend less time hitting the books and more time hitting the track. Next step, glue factory.
No Mexican is winning the Derby in Trump’s America. Sorry not sorry.
Instilled Regard +7900
You know who else had Instilled Regard? The catholic church