Last week, I wrote about how I’d be making my triumphant return to my company softball team after a 3 year suspension. One of the stipulations that came from last week’s tournament was that, if I were able to control myself at the bar, I’d be able to play for our company’s soccer team because they need players like I need hair-plugs. Well, lo and behold, your boy was able to compose himself. Did we literally drink until the tab ran out? Yes, yes we did. Did I throw chicken wings off of the patio? That, I did not. So with everything coming up Millhouse the stage was set, I would be playing soccer.
Fast forward a week and we are a day away from me hitting the pitch (just a little soccer term NBD). As the title alludes, I haven’t played soccer in probably 12 years. There was a week in Gym class when I was in grade 9 where we had to play but I don’t really count that. The last time I played soccer, I had luscious long blond hair, was filled with childhood wonderment but most importantly, had hopes and dreams. Now, I’m 23, balding, regularly going to physio and deader then disco on the inside. The only thing I have going for me as I enter the tournament tomorrow, is the fact that I had to take gym this year for teachers college and we spent a class practicing passing the ball. Besides that, I’m ready to look like Bambi on ice.
Soccer by all accounts is my worst sport. It’s the sport I played the longest as a child but that’s because your forced into soccer at 3 and can’t escape until your like 10, no matter how shitty you are. I went 7 or so years without ever scoring a goal, IT WAS HOUSE LEAGUE. Due to my lack of soccer ability, there has been some chatter of me playing goalie. I had been asked if I’d ever played before to which I replied “yes”. Only something tells me there’s a difference between playing goalie when you’re 7 vs when you’re 23. For example, half the reasoned I always volunteered to play goal was because you got to just sit and draw in the dirt, I don’t think my company will allow me to do that. They already think I’m a simpleton, no need to add fuel to that fire. One of my coworkers pointed out that all I needed to play goalie was to have confidence. If we were ranking things I lack, confidence is probably number 1, with hair coming in hot at 2. You don’t write a blog that MAYBE 10 people will read because you exude confidence. You do it, so you can hide behind a computer and pseudonym to make shitty jokes about people.
Since this just a soccer tournament amongst companies, besides goalie, the only other options are D, forward and maybe one mid. D sounds promising if your me, despite now riding the bike for 3 weeks, I am still horribly out of shape and only having to go so far on the pitch could prove optimal. Not to mention, the only thing I was ever good at while playing soccer was tackling but once again, I don’t think that’ll be accepted. No wants to see some hardo take out someone at the knees. This tournament is go to get out of work, not to make headlines. Forward would be nice because I might finally score that goal that’s been alluding me my whole life. My biggest qualm with playing forward is that I have an irrational fear of taking a soccer ball off the head. I’ve been hit in the head from softballs, baseballs, people’s fists but the one thing that scares me the most is a soccer ball. Is it this a dumb and irrational fear? Yes. But so is thinking your going to die in a plane crash but no one makes fun of those rich pussies! Finally there is mid, but if anyone’s gonna play that position, it’ll be someone with a lot more talent and a hell of a lot more stamina, so I think it’s safe to say that it’s out of the question.
Luckily for me, I won’t have to make this important decision. That’ll be left to one of our player coaches, If I had to put money on what position I’ll be playing, it would be goalie. If no one wants to play the position, who better to put in net then your lowely summer student? That’s the whole reason you hire people like me!
The good news is, our first game is at 8:55 and we’re expected to be 0-3 and out of the tournament by 11. The after party is at a little place called Cabana, it’s where all the cool people who wear white clothing go on Sunday’s but we got it all to ourselves tomorrow. By 11:30am tomorrow, Imma be posted in the pool watching the first World Cup match, drinking Mai Tai’s.
As always, if you want up to date details check me twitter @McFultz1Percent