God Fists’ Back

Sometimes the heart can’t handle, what the nose wants. Easily the biggest benefactor of the fact that drugs are legal in Russian soccer stadiums has been Argentinian legend, Diego Maradona, who was the highlight of yesterday’s 2-1 win over Nigeria. The second, of course is us, as we get to fully take in the Maradonaissance.

Yesterday afternoon, Maradona showed just how important it is to pace oneself when partying all day. As someone who spends all Saturday drinking from sun rise to sun down (hence the name of this site), I understand how difficult it can be to pace yourself, especially during a big event. I have on multiple occasions, paced myself horribly only to find myself half-slumped over against a wall, struggling to keep my eyes open at 2pm on St. Patrick’s day, as I watch Purdue play in March Madness. On one occasion, I’ve even found myself waking up on a couch outside in the middle of the day, my roommates just thought I had gone to my room or gone out, so this blog isn’t to cast judgement but is one of understanding.

Maradona started off looking exactly like I do, when I wake up for St. Patrick’s day or Homecoming

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It’s a magical feeling to wake up and know that everyone around you will be getting fucked up all day, thus being unable to cast judgement on your life decisions. Maradona looks as free as a bird yelling “IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEEEEEEAAAAAAARRRR” or “I fucking love cocaine!” either or.

This is peak 10-11 am smashed. You’ve done a couple wild shoss, that you wouldn’t have done had you been drinking by yourself but since everyone else is partying, you gotta turn it up all the way to 11.

But then… 2pm hits

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Anyone whose ever day drank has been in this exact moment. One second you’re on top the world, able to drink anything anyone gives you and the next thing you know, you’re KO’d in front of the whole world. Now, whilst the world was laughing at Maradona, I saw a man with a plan. Drinking all day is a young man’s game, Maradona knows this, after-all, this isn’t his first rodeo. Perhaps Maradona partied too hard and accidentally knocked himself out like an 18 year old trying Xanax for the first time, perhaps. OR, Maradona was being the savvy vet and realized he was going to need to take a nap at one point, so why not get in during the halfway mark of the game. This World Cup has come down to last 10 minutes in almost every game, Maradona knew this and saw the perfect time to catch a quick power nap. Because, had Maradona wanted to stay up for the whole game, he could’ve just licked his finger, rubbed it against the glass in front of him and then rub his gums and he’d be running around like the cocaine fueled hedgehog he is.

But like Jesus rising on the third day, Maradona and Argentina was not finished.

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With less then 5 minutes to go in the game and with Argentina’s World Cup dreams on the brink of being crushed, Marcus Rojo scored to give Argentina a 2-1 lead and led to possibly one of the greatest sports reactions of all-time.

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Maradona gave Nigeria and the rest of the world the double bird for ever doubting his country but most importantly, his ability to party. The haters and losers, to which there are many, all thought that Maradona wouldn’t be able to rebound after his mid-game nap but the Argentinian legend had different plans and for the second time in his career, his hands made him a World Cup star.

Sadly for Maradona his old heart couldn’t take all the cocaine and he was forced to be looked after by Russian doctors, who I assume just gave him some heroin to slow down his heartbeat. You never want to be the person who your friends have to call the ambulance for, that’s no fun for anyone. But if there was ever a time to need medical assistance, it might as well be at the World Cup after you did enough cocaine to literally dust up the glass of your box and just saw your home country advance in one of the most exciting fashions possible.

Side Note:

It’s absolutely hilarious that just 8 years ago, Maradona was Argentina’s head coach, this would be like Mike Babcock showing up to the next Winter Olympics absolutely blitz and acting a fool. I’m not saying I wouldn’t like it, just a wild thing to think about.

P.S. I can’t wait for when Benicio Del Toro plays Maradona in a movie. Nothing has been announced but if someone in Hollywood isn’t writing up a script for ‘Maradona Takes Russia’ I’m going to be thoroughly disappointed. It could be one part Fear and Loathing and one part Get Him To The Greek. You’re welcome Hollywood.

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