Who Are You Really Going To Trust: The CIA or The KGB

Folks,,,,,,,, not since the 1952 Olympics has the world given a fuck about Helsinki on a random July day but all that changed after Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin had their first official meeting and collectively #broketheinternet, with Trump refusing to push Putin on Russian meddling in the 2016 U.S. election and saying that he trusted Putin (AKA the KGB) over his own Intel officials. Like everyone else on the internet, I could’ve lost my shit, saying that yesterday was one of the darkest days in American political history (someone should tell that to the minority community) and how a man who gets all his information from Rupert Murdoch’s dream diary was somehow bested by a man who use to serve in the KGB. But who needs that, you could find a million think pieces on the internet or turn on CNN who I’m pretty sure just dedicated the next 72 hours to figuring out whether or not this will lead to Trump’s impeachment? Spoiler alert, it won’t. So instead I decided to go back to one of my favourite thing’s I’ve blogged this summer, dissecting the food selection at major international summits. I did it earlier this summer with the U.S-North Korea summit and now I’m back at it again.

*Looks for what they ate*

Well……… Sadly, unlike the U.S. North Korea Summit, the items that were served for lunch have not been released to the public. Most likely to ensure that no potential assassins know which type of blood Putin likes to drink while eating the Pets of his political adversaries.

Now that I’ve had to scrap that Pulitzer idea, it looks like I’ll be forced to ask the one question no one seems to be. Is the CIA REALLY more trustworthy and informed then the KGB? You never want to the see the leader of the free world doubt his own intelligence community but you also never want to see him (sorry ladies) become complacent, Abraham Lincoln thought that just because the Civil War was over that he could go enjoy himself at the theater and we all know how that turned out.

So let’s break down, whomst really is the most efficient and trustworthy source out of the 2.

Foreign Policy

Foreign meddling and the CIA are as synonymous with each other as Bill Cosby and roofy filled pudding pops. During the second half of the 20th century, the CIA was executing and implementing puppet politicians every other day. It didn’t matter if it was in; South America where they funded death squads in El Salvador or implemented dictators who’d go on to commit extensive civil right’s violations like Augusto Pinochet or Manuel Noriega. The Middle-East, where the CIA was responsible for the rise of former best friend to America and future hanging Santa Clause, Saddam Hussein. Or in Asia, where the CIA famously put Ngo Ding Diem in charge of South Vietnam where he’d commit a bevvy of human rights violations leading the CIA to assassinate him.

And if you think the CIA only cares about politics, well folks,,,, ,I got some news for you. I hope your not eating a banana right now because the CIA will kill a motherfucker if one of those goddamn banana farmers even thinks of unionizing.

On the flip side, the KGB has never once installed a dictator. Mainly because of instead of backing a coup-d’etat, Russia will just go in an invade the whole country so that they can rob of it of all it’s natural resources, all the while ensuring political stability. The KGB was also adamantly against Osama Bin Laden before it was cool. Back in the early 80’s when America was giving Osama all the AK’s & RPG’s his little heart desired, the Soviet Union was waging a whole war on that motherfucker.

Now obviously the KGB has been in some hot water as of late as they can’t seem to help themselves from trying to kill ex-Russians in foreign countries with poison. I think we can all agree that from an optics point of view, that’s not great. If it was up to me, I’d maybe try and tone it down a bit, go back to filming American billionaires getting peed on, the world loves that shit. Poisoning? Not so much.


In the above section I mentioned how much the CIA loved assassinating foreign leaders. But what if I told you they also liked assassinating American ones. While unproven, their are many out there who think the CIA was involved in the assassination of JFK. Were they the ones who hired Ted Cruz’s father? Could’ve the CIA stopped the assassination of one of America’s most beloved and horned up Presidents? We may just never know.

The KGB on the other hand has never killed an American politician and if anything, have helped the U.S. by assassinating a bunch of their own politicians. While Hollywood is out here making fictitious movies where American’s kill Russians, the KGB is actually doing that in real life, so tell me who really loves America more. The KGB has also never been linked to the assassination of a Russian President, just adding another black mark to the CIA’s record.

Stepping Stone? 

I think one of the best ways to judge a company or group is how it advances their employees. Think about it, would you rather work at some dead end job with no promotion in sight or a place where within a couple years you could be climbing that corporate ladder? Exactly. Every job you take is just a stepping stone to your next best thing, you don’t go to university because you like paying 10k a year, you go cause you know it’ll better your future*.

This brings me to the CIA. No one from the CIA has gone onto be President, instead we’ve elected renowned international genius’ like B-list actors or Reality Tv stars. How can an organization that hosts some of the most “intelligent and worldly” people be unable to rise from CIA grunt to President? It’s never a good look when the coastguard has produced more Presidents then your organization. That’s a group of people who are one notch ahead of the brave men and woman who work the Canadian-American border.

Meanwhile, multiple members of the KGB have gone onto become either President of Russia or the leader of the Soviet Union. Which of course makes sense as these are suppose to be some of the most patriotic people your country produces.

When I woke up yesterday, I would’ve never guessed that I’d come to the conclusion that I trust the KGB over the CIA. But, more successful people have risen through their ranks, they’ve implemented less dictators, all the while still running the world from the shadows and have yet to be rumored in the involvement of JFK’s assassination. All the while convincing the President of the United States that they can be trusted.

Match, KGB

Don’t get angry at me CIA, you only have yourself to blame.

P.S. Goddamn shame Putin didn’t end the summit with this.

*So the brochure said


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