Move over lions, there’s a new king of the Animal Kingdom and it’s those fat fuck raccoons that have overwhelmed the city of Toronto. Do you know how much garbage you have to eat to develop type-2 diabetes? A fuck ton! I know this because I thought when I had my seizure, it was diabetic related due to my horrid diet but even my doctors gave me the clear. So if I can go 23 years without acquiring diabetes by only eating; fast-food, frozen food, chips & cookies, these raccoons have some serious explaining to do. Raccoons have a 2-3 year lifespan, that’s not a lot of time to develop a disease like diabetes. Aids? Sure, diabetes? Not so much. These little fuckers are out here living life like they’re lil Terrio. It wouldn’t shock me if in a few weeks time we have raccoons doing the truffle shuffle on Instagram and making more money then you and I could ever imagine.
Back in the old days, people would get fat to flaunt their wealth, well in the Animal Kingdom, it’s human-diseases that shows whomst is on top of the evolutionary hierarchy. Why do you think we treat monkeys so humanely? Because they have aids, making them 2 opposable thumbs away from being a disgraced 80s star.
P.S. I refuse to take blame for these lil bastards getting diabetes. You can’t put that type of shit on me, I don’t control what raccoons eat and I’m sure as hell not going to change MY diet so that a few raccoons don’t get diabetes. Just like how I still drink out of water-bottles, if it kills me, then it can kill an animal. CASE DISMISSED!
P.P.S. My dad once tried to clear some raccoons from his deck, he put on all his hockey pads and tried to chase em with a hockey stick well let me just tell you that an angry raccoon is one of the scariest thing’s you’ll ever see. That thing charged my father without a fear in the world and would’ve torn him to pieces had he not made it inside in time. Sadly for us all, I was filming it but kept calling raccoons “coons” not knowing that, that was a racial slur (I was like 7) so we had to burn the evidence like a Harry Potter book at a christian youth camp.