FOLKS,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, my world has been shook, nay, rocked. What if I told you, everything you ever believed in was a lie? That up was down and Jesus was a white guy from Virginia? You wouldn’t know what to believe or who to trust. Your probably wondering what has rocked me to my core and it’s simple, Thursday I was informed that Minute Maid fruit juices are worse for you then pop. That’s right fruits have more sugar and calories then whatever coke is now made out of. So the next time someone offers you a fruit or vegetable, politetly decline and proceed to just pour a bunch of sugar down your throat because according to news I just discovered, that would be healthier.
I don’t believe in victim shaming, so I don’t think the onest is on myself but rather on Big Fruit AKA Minute Maid. I mean, right there on the can it says 100% Orange Juice that should mean healthy, not the exact opposite. I’m not a guy who eats a lot of vegetables or fruits, the only time I eat them is when they’re put on a burger or sub, so orange juice has been my go-to scurvy-stopper but now I don’t know what to do. Maybe as a 23 year old ex-comm student, I shouldn’t have been so oblivious. The whole course was pretty much just critically analyzing advertisements and here I am lapping up diabetes inducing orange juice, like a schmuck!
This all brings me to the million dollar question, can I sue Minute Maid? Personally, I think I have a pretty good shot at winning this case. I’ve been drinking Minute Maid for years only to find out it’s been taking off of my own life. I feel like one of those Vietnam Veterans that was exposed to Agent Orange. How am I to know whether or not orange juice was the cause of my early onset balding. Had it not been for my daily lunchtime apple juice, could’ve I been prettier then a Toronto 5 and North Bay 7? These are all questions that I expect the execs at Big Fruit to answer for.
Look, I don’t like the lawsuit culture that has enveloped the world as much as the next guy but I also don’t like being lied to. It’s one thing when those idiots all sued Big Tobacco for giving them cancer or the simpletons who’d sue after drinking a coffee that was little too hot. This is not that. This is completely different. This affected me.
Since I don’t want things to get messy, I’d be more then willing to settle for 10 million dollars. Anything less would be insulting and anything more would make me seem greedy. You guy’s have literally overthrown governments, I think you can toss me a couple mill for early death, that was cause by you and not other life choices. My lawyers are awaiting your rebuttal.
P.S. You best believe I crushed 2 orange juices while writing this. Live fast, die middle-aged mofuckas!