I didn’t get over excited when Luck went 6/9 (noice) in his first preseason game because… it’s preseason. Teams who’ve gone 4-0 have ended up going 0-16 and teams who go 0-4 have ended up winning Super Bowls, the point is, the whole reason preseason exists is so that guys can tear their ACLs and for football fans everywhere cover their eyes every time a star player takes a hit. The whole goal against the Seahawks was just for Luck not to combust. I didn’t care if he threw 0 or 30 picks as long as he remained upright and out of the ICU.
But the second I saw this photo, I had my breath taken away from me like I’d just seen Kim Jong Un’s latest summer line. Usually I’m not one for re-brands, mainly because if you’re doing it, it’s probably cause you fucked up. When Kobe raped that girl, he changed his number from 8 to 24, after World War 2, Germany stopped marketing themselves as Nazis but as the country who gave us Puma, Volkswagen & Hugo Boss and even the Taliban have recently once again re-branded themselves as the leading Anti-ISIS group in Afghanistan.
This is different though, this is Andrew Luck looking in the face of NFL defenses everywhere saying “hope you like mustache rides cause you’re about to get fucked”. While neckbeard Luck may have resembled something more a long the lines of a Civil War general, mustachio Luck looks like the quickest draw in the West. He’ll be taking down defenses like Josey Wales did Union Soldiers. Now that I think about it, maybe Luck saw the new Red Dead trailer and was feeling inspired, no matter the case, this Luck fucks.
I won’t lie to you all, I will miss the neckbeard. The only beard I can grow is a neckbeard because I come from a broken home and daddy never taught me how to shave, so I’m forced to go with 4 options: 1)Neckbeard, a look that unless you’re a star QB acts like it’s own chastity belt. 2)Clean shave, I look like a fat baby or as one of my friends once put it, I look like a character from Bob’s Burgers (me and my sister thinks he means Teddy). 3)Stubble, which is arguably my best look (not saying much) but has one week shelf life before it turns into a bunch of facial pubes and finally 4) The mustache, a look that can have you either looking like Tom Selleck or a pedophile and as one of my bosses once pointed out, for, it’s the latter.
Maybe this is why I’m in such awe of that beautiful bit of hair on Luck’s upper lip because I know no matter how much I try I can never look that beautiful. It’s one thing to know that you’ll never make the NFL no matter how hard you try but to know you’ll never be able to rock a mustache as commanding as that is truly heartbreaking.
Pre-Mustache Colts Prediction: 7-9
Post-Mustache Colts Prediction: 10-16
I will have an actual Colts preview coming out sometime later this month. I know how badly you all have been waiting for, so rest assured it’s coming.