FINALLY! Our national nightmare is over, the statue of our beloved first Prime Minister John A MacDonald has found itself a home in Ontario’s Legislative Assembly. After Victoria announced that they would be removing the statue of our first and drunkest Prime Minister, many were worried with what would happen next. Whose statue was safe and whose wasn’t. But what people weren’t asking was “what’s going to happen to the statue itself” because #AllsStatuesMatter, you can’t just throw away a statue of our first Prime Minister like the body of some Chinese railway worker, show some respect for god’s sake.
I don’t think it should come as a surprise that MacDonald’s statue found a home in Ontario as Doug Ford has cemented himself as Canada’s formost history-loving premier. Don’t believe me? Just look at the new history curriculum. No longer will our kids need focus on minut details like the differences between a Micmac and an Ojibwa when we can use a blanket term like Indian, just the way Doug still calls them. And I think we can all agree that the only time our children need to learn about the people whomst were here first is during the month of October for Thanksgiving. This is the perfect time to teach our children the beautiful sharing and non genocidal relationship we had with those who came before us. For it was the first pilgrims and Indians who split a thanksgiving cornucopia, thus founding the nation of Canada. Or at least that’s what I was taught, I don’t know the mid 2000s were weird. This also allows for us to spend our time to focus on things that are way cooler like when ‘we’ burned down the White House, or those two World Wars that we fought in or the time one of our future Prime Ministers won the Nobel Peace prize, you know? The things that makes us (whitey) look good.
To help prove that Doug is committed to bringing
Canada Ontario back to when it was great, the 90s. First, he cut all that homosexual nonsense out of the sex-ed curriculum. God made Adam & Eve not Adam & Steve and sure that leads down a whole line of incest but if pornhub’s taught me anything, that’s hot right now. The second thing he’s doing is making it only possible to buy the devils lettuce AKA marijuana via the internet. Despite saying he was going to privatize marijuana allowing for our favourite dispensaries to stay open, Doug instead has decided to act like it’s 1999 and put weed on the internet. Of course this has had it’s critics, “now we have to wait for our weed”, “I’m just gonna keep buying it off the street”, “30 grams is a small amount to max out on”, well if your thinking that right now, you’re an addict and should seek help immediately. People also forget that by selling weed on the internet our postmen and women can keep their employment becoming nothing but a glorified drug runner but they stay employed nonetheless. Some of Pablo Escobar’s most loyal drug runners became major players in the drug game themselves. And really isn’t that all we want in life, a chance at a promotion from drug runner to Cartel Leader?