DAMN YOU HOLLYWOOD! DAMN YOU!
I think the Michael Bay Dora The Explorer movie was one of my original blogs for NorthRowSports (R.I.P.I.P), I was excited nay, amped, nayyyyyyy, JACKED for Michael Bay to get his paws on this IP. The Transformers films have been a mixed bag, while critics have hated all of them (?) I’ve actually enjoyed a few of them. I mean what the fuck were people expecting Shawshank Redemption? They’re fucking robots that transform into vehicles from a planet that’s completely robotic, let’s not put to much brain power into these things OK? Plus, with every new Transformers movie, we at least knew we were getting one banger from Linkin Park (R.I.P Chester).
Then there’s the Teenage Mutant Turtle franchise, honestly I’ve never watched any of these movies, I just don’t think we’ve mastered realistic turtle technology because either they look like a bunch of knock off Chuck-E-Cheese characters or creepy alien type of shit. The Ninja Turtles should only be on the NES and cartoon network, at least until we can give them real representation not the species-iest version of black face.
The reasons above are even more of a reason we needed Michael Bay’s involvement in this film, this was his time to redeem himself, he was going to turn Dora The Explorer into fucking Bad Boys. This is the point that I should’ve known that Michael Bay was not getting involved. If this were a Michael Bay joint, we’d have either Michelle Rodriguez playing a bad ass Dora that asks questions first and shoots second (an homage to the TV show) or even better, I figured Bay would just cast Megan Fox as Dora so that the whole internet could explode as he over sexualized the character, whilst white-washing. Would’ve blown twitter to bits, because that’s how Michael Bay does, big explosions, no substance. Sadly the pivotal role of Dora went to the girl from the latest Transformers the only one in the series I’ve yet to see but even the news of having her made it seem like it would be a Bay jont, maybe he was just looking for the next girl to turn into a sex object, say what you want about his film making but Michael Bay is the Bill Belichick of finding hot girls for kids movies.
The rest of the cast would play out as such: Pedro Pascal would play Diego, Boots would of course be played by Andy Serkis our leading actor when it comes to portraying
monkeys sorry apes. Swiper would be played by TJ Miller doing an offensively horrible Spanish accent, John Goodman as Map, Josh Duhamel would play the film’s villain who is trying to get his hands on some ancient artifact and also hires Swiper (I’m not being paid to write a script), then to finish off the cast you have frequent collaborator Glen Morshower who will be responsible for sending Dora and her team on their mission and finally John Turturro would play Dora’s father whomst would appear in flashbacks. Read that cast list and tell me you wouldn’t see the fuck out of that movie.
Instead, we’re getting some sort of high school drama with no confirmation of Swiper even being in the film. I don’t know about you but if we’re going to get some shitty live action Dora the Explorer film then we at least deserve to have Michael Bay at the helm. At least with him you know what your getting, an oversexualized, racist children’s IP done by the man most famous for making Martin Lawrence an action star and turning Pearl Harbor into a love story. No one else in Hollywood has that type of talent. No one. Any other director get’s their hands on Pearl Harbor and we’re getting a military thriller but when Michael Bay get’s his hands on it, it turns out Pearl Harbor was actually just the backdrop of a love triangle. The guy has mastered zigging when we think he’ll zag.
Hopefully when this move invetibly flops, Michael Bay can finally realize his passion project and give us the Dora film we deserve until then this film is #NotMyDora
P.S. If the people behind this film are serious about turning this bad boy into a cinematic universe, slide into my DM’s. I got a lot of big ideas, a real trilogy if you will.